brazilian wacks

Hooray! Sleep-pants season has started! Now, let us Atlantans revel in this realization for the two months it will be "cold".

I had a dream I went to the junkyard and it was pretty empty. In the dream it looked like IKEA but was actually in some family's house. I found the location of the European cars but instead of Volvos or Mercedes there were boxes of Lego pieces and brand-new, boxed office chairs that swivel. They said they get new shipments every Tuesday, but it was Sunday. Hayley and I left as a child poured water from a watering can on my head.

the royal road.

I ride the subway from here to Chicago. Somehow we run into each other. We get to talking. Confidence swirls in spurts about my head. I say little, and we look at each other. She talks about the future wedding, and that she is sorry. I think she does that pouty lip thing she did when I knew her. "You don't think it's strange to go to that three weeks [months] after me?" "I do." She mentions something unborn. Her staunch stonewall falls in pieces about her. The possibility of it belonging to me. I ask her how she wants to handle it. She ignores the question, but I know she hears me. I have said my peace, and board the subway back to Atlanta.


I wake up refreshed with the closure I had to give myself.

"I think I am finally ready to move on."

I like that my cat always has to sit near me. Most of the time she's rather aloof and standoffish. But take for example what she's doing right now. I am at the computer, and she is laying down, [presumably] asleep next to the oven almost a foot and a half away from me. She always does this. As if by sleeping next to me she can maintain her independence but still obtain the security by being near me, her owner.

I like when she does this. It makes me feel wanted. I like my cats most of the time.



In other news: I just found frosting in my USB port. Questionable..

self-deprecation to follow:

I think that every relationship I have had with someone is a just a stepping stone for them to either fall in love with someone else or get engaged. Like my occupation in their life is a prelude to their self-satisfaction and relational well-being. I am a sort of bookmark while they get things together, and when it is over they're ready for the next step, the next big chapter of their lives.

Maybe I am just unwilling to grow up. Maybe this is my fault. Maybe if I made efforts to be more progressive in my relationships they wouldn't have ended. Maybe I have had too many "maybes" and not enough definite responses to advances in relational technology.


It is all very silly, I suppose. The only person I can honestly blame is myself. It is the only perspective I have, right now. And the only viewpoint I can knowingly critique.

So I will go do laundry at my sister's, today. And I will get up in the morning and go about my day as I normally would. But I will keep this with me. And I would just like to reserve this one, tiny moment for a little bit of wallowing. And to say that you never really blame yourself lest you be left to your own devices.

And I am. And I am.